| | Current Music: | Bowie | | Subject: | Ch ch Changes | | Time: | 11:12 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/happy.gif) content |
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| I’m tired of being called a jerk. I don’t think I should be. I pay everything for you, your drinks, entry everywhere, tickets; I drive you wherever you need to be. I’ve had enough. You are so ungrateful, and I guess that’s from only one thing mattering to you. Just because I don’t want to sleep with you does not make me a jerk. The fact that you can’t tell me what it is you like about me is just proof that it is only because I am there that you do. And I’m only there until another thing comes along. After Friday night, I will be completely alone once again.
Yesterday I woke up a new person, a new person with the taste of champagne in my mouth. So I feel it’s appropriate to make this change now with the Malkmus shindig on Sunday. I have a new user, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) chops_a_must . So, this will become redundant, except when I want to stir shit perhaps. I’ll just add the people on my friend of list. | comments: 12 comments or Leave a comment   |
| It's an ending, that's enough.
My claim went well, very well in fact, much better than expected. My dad has been great to me about this over the last few years, it's dragged on so long, but finally it is over. Such relief, closure, I thought I would be reacting much differently than I am, but I'm in such a state of calm, a feeling I have desired for such a long time, something I haven't experienced in much much too long. All these recent hiccups masquerading as problems suddenly have disapeared.
We are having some champagne and chelseas tonight. Tomorrow I will be at the Rosemount or the Scotsman, haven't decided. But for anyone I know off here or whatever, free drinks. I'll let you know.
I was reading Tolstoy's Ressurrection during proceedings... it seemed appropriate. | | comments: 15 comments or Leave a comment |
| The last week I have been suffering bad body memories, intense agitation and hyper vigilance that is me re-experiencing a time I would rather not be thinking about. I can't stop thinking about it. I am so scared, so anxious. Hopefully, it will be better again after Tuesday, I hope.
I guess another thing, I'm sick of being lied to, sick of having promises broken, sick of being ditched off. I hate being used as a step ladder, I hate it so much. I feel completely worthless, I get treated like I'm worthless, so my conclusion is that I am. I really, really, don't have anyone I would actually call a friend. Fuck loneliness. Is a friend too much to ask for? | | comments: 11 comments or Leave a comment |
| I don't think little things get to me as much anymore. I don't have that constant overwhelming feeling of rubbish in my head.
The last few weeks at TAFE, we have had a series of treatment sessions with members of the public. Which is meant to resemble treatment in a clinic over a number of weeks, and meant to be our last assessment. Somehow I drew the short straw, aww poor emo Gleneena, and got a renowned local massage therapist as my client. She does all the Kahuna courses in Perth, and runs her own successful clinic. It has been very intimidating, being judged by someone who actually knows everything I am doing, everything I should be doing, and who knows what it is all about.
But she had some really nice and honest things to say, was grateful, and bought me chocolates. Alchohol flavoured, which also came in a tartan box. Hmmm, that sounds like a Kendal fantasy or something... Best of all, she offered me a job as her clinic's deep tissue specialist. "Good deep tissue therapists are hard to come across. You're one of the best ones I've dealt with. We don't have any that can do it properly at the moment. Would you like a job?" I had to turn it down, I'm not sure I can devote myself to that and uni and everything else at the same time. "Oh well, if you ever want extra work, when your schedule is less hectic, just give me a call."
It's nice, I keep being sought out for working in places, rather than having to apply for them. I like the feeling that gives me. I like the respect I'm earning. I think my classmates who could hear this were quite jealous/ envious today... | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| This week has been interesting. Apparently I have bulged one of my discs. Apparently...
I shouldn't have allowed myself to be dragged out. I shouldn't have let myself be used to try and make someone else feel jealous. After all, it wouldn't have had much effect anyway, it's me for fucks sake. I hate being in situations where I feel so socially inferior, and quite clearly in a completely different status to everyone around me. I find my complete inability to speak incredibly frustrating.
Also, I've come to the conclusion about many things in my life, not because I'm unhappy but because I'm realistic. I don't think I will ever be happy. Being of a functional state and in a position to be able to manage things is the best I can hope for. I don't think I will ever be in love, or will have anyone feel the same about me. I have nothing to offer, nothing anyone could ever want. I've known this for a long time. I'm much too cynical, and cynicism well founded mind you, to be able to be in that position. But I have many things I can substitute for it instead.
Whinge whinge whinge.
All in all, things are good. | | comments: 30 comments or Leave a comment |
| Put my forms in for changing courses today. If all goes well, I will officially be doing a double degree in Philosophy and Sustainable Development. With minors in Sociology and my first love History. I figure I only need to pick up a few units in those to get my minors, so I may as well.
Eventually I want to be one of those people that has every degree, so I can say, "your opinion isn't mine, it's stupid then". But maybe I'm like that already. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Just been lying awake thinking tonight. The last few weeks have involved a great deal of intense introspection. It's done, I have clarity, I have closure on a lot of things that I've been carrying around for years. Rubbish I didn't think I ever could let go of, has been let go of. I can breathe for the first time in weeks. I'm no longer in this borderline state of panic. There is this eerie calm in my head, with things going very fast, but straight, and everything else, very slow. Different, yet somehow congruent. The right things fast, the right things slow. For once my mind has a connection with itself. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| I'm wondering, I feel I've experienced a lot of things, seen and done many strange things, and I'm curious to know how I became so boring.
If I was alive in the 30's I think I would be in Spain, fighting those Franco Silents and such. I have a big problem with members of the Liberal party playing 60's music. But maybe I'm missing the point. I shall visit Catalonia one day. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Bored | | Time: | 01:59 pm |
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| Lately, I’ve been losing my handle on things. Poor joke yep, but I might as well get some mileage from it while I can. Freak boy ran the fastest Australian time in two years for the 400 hurdles a few weeks back. So he’s all but guaranteed a spot in the Commonwealths, where he will be taken away from me and mistreated, like Billy last year in Athens.
“That’s a big trigger point, refers all the way down to my foot.”
“Yeah, yeah. We’ll try and bust it out.”
“It must be doin’ somethin’, I can’t move my leg.”
Yeah, whoever thought that the sacral plexus was always so riddled with trigger points hey? Fucking stupid physios pinching one of my runners nerves two days out from when he was competing in the 4x100. It’s a bit of paper and a false sense of security. Any wonder why I hate physios.
Speaking of 400 hurdles and injuries at the Olympics, “I just threw my leg over and heard a pop”. Haha, yeah, I bet you did. Apart from it being almost impossible to do lateral knee cartilage while hurdling, I’m sure she would have done it during copulation. The HGH induced nymphomania, and it being very easy to do knee cartilage whilst straddling is my conclusion. So girls, and Jana, let this be a lesson, if you straddle, do so at your own peril, don’t put to much pressure through your knees, you are likely to fuck ‘em up.
I think I’m quite lucky. I’m lucky that I’ve found something that I really enjoy doing, can make money from, and that I’m good at. It’s one of the few things I know I’m good at, probably the only thing really. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| Yesterday, had a jam with Scott Bachmann. I really suck, but it was good fun. I need to practice with the bro more, Victor Wooten extraordinaire. But it brings me to a more pressing issue, I'm going to change my account thingy. I want something loafy like Icky_Mettle, Plumb_Line or something. Or even chops_a_must, but I'm not obsessed with Pavement right now.
I'm the least depressed I've been in maybe 10 years or something. I can't actually remember ever feeling this free, so why is all this other bullshit coming out? We had three members of our goof troupe last night, only missing the ring leader claire. So, here is a run down of our qualities, Claire stumbles with footing, I stumble with words, Ben stumbles whilst drunk (which is most of the time), and Kendal stumbles upon guys. It is a very illustrious and exclusive group.
I also had a weird dream last night. I was George Bush's doctor, and I was telling him he had cancer. He asked me what I was going to do about it, to which I replied, nothing. And then I ranted, "You see it's like global warming, we don't know what caused it, so we aren't going to do anything about. At least until we know what has caused it." | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
| Girls in nut houses are always more attractive. That is all.
Oh, haha, they're selling scalpels at officeworks. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| The last week has been quite thought provoking. It really sucks to see someone on the same pathway that you were once on, it hurts quite a bit, but I guess that's why we get along. Yeah, and I guess people that look to settle down, have everything, love, a path, all at the age of 18 inevitably come undone. But who am I to judge? I did exactly the same thing. Like a lot of people, I had pretty unstable teen years, and with that comes a desire for calm and peace. But I don't think it's achievable if you have gotten used to living like that. You are far better off learning to embrace that kind of feeling, than fighting it, something I've only learnt recently.
In terms of love at such a young age, well it's hard enough finding your own identity without having symbiotic pressures placed upon you. I'm not even sure if it's healthy trying to get your heart set on someone at that age, you're probably just setting yourself up to get hurt badly. I think I had my heart shattered because of that general desire to become boring and resign to a life of nothing. And if someone is unlucky enough to want me or accept me or whatever then I'll try and not punish them like I did Nicole. But I think I've virtually given up on that sort of stuff anyway. I'm not really sure where this is heading.
What is with my ex's anyway? Both diagnosed psychosis sufferers. And what is with me only liking girls that are older than me these days? Last week I realised I liked this girl. The only person in my course under 30 that I can actually talk about music, politics, life and literature with. I know it's a really bad generalisation, but 99% of all the girls that are my age or younger, that I think I would get along well with, are as arrogant as fuck. They know they could do better. Bleh. I need something to surprise me again, to rid me of all these stupid sweeping generalisations. Time to create some instability once more. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Does anyone else find male communication amusing? Ever noticed that when a guy gets a girlfriend, his house automatically becomes clean?
See, when women talk, it's always about dolls and emotions and feelings and things. But when guys talk, they talk about comparisons of things. Like, what's taller, a horse or a donkey? Or lists, like top ten arses. Ky, Kylie Minogue... yah.
Thank you Men Behaving Badly.
But Mclusky Do Dallas is definitely in my top three albums now, it's right up there with Icky Mettle and Crooked Rain Crooked Rain. Who ever said I only liked incoherent music?
But I think the reason why everyone is going crazy, is because the sun is in Scorpio. Probably the reason why all relationships start going bad at this time of the year in northern hemisphere based 19th century romances.
At Zoe's on the weekend we were engrossed in riveting conversation.
"What star sign are you dayve?"
"Libra"
Then Katey pipes up, "What the hell are you guys talking about?"
"Ahh, star signs"
"Can't you see, we're bonding?"
"So... what colour are you getting your nails done?"
I've been doing a bit of cleaning lately, how unusual. I get home last night, and sit with my brother in guy silence for twenty minutes or so. Then he looks around the room a bit and asks, "Hmmm, who's your girlfriend?" See, this is why guys don't need to talk. We know everything means something so we don't have to waste energy merely confirming something by speaking.
But right now, it doesn't make sense, my brain is confused. Also, my spelling is bad. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Saw Kendal tonight, things make a lot more sense. Although I still think certain people have an incredibly bad influence on her.
Dissociation that doesn't go away after you wake up is scary. It would be interesting to know what she was doing or probably more importantly, what was being done to her just before she went berko. I used to dissociate badly, but luckily, recently I go into panic when I begin to dissociate. Hooray!
PTSD is wonderful. It always amazes me how sufferers seem to pile up trauma on top of trauma. But emotions are a double edged sword. In order to avoid something, you inevitably create the exact response you were trying to avoid. Like how shy people fear arrogance, yet they often present as arrogant in trying to avoid just that. Trying to end it all, usually ends in a worse memory than the one you were trying to run away from in the first place. You may destroy your liver function, you may never be able to feel the underneath of the toes on your left foot, you might have heard your family arguing at your bedside with you in a coma, you might have felt your girlfriends hand in yours for four days. You possibly could live to remember your last rights being given.
Night. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| I think horse racing is really cruel, it's antiquated and outdated. But then again, we still race humans. So i propose that on Perth Cup day, we invade Ascot and lay out those police stingers in front of the pack. Thereby ending all cruelty to animals. I only need like 10 people, so who's with me?
But seriously I love horses. I like harness racing better though. Mum's dad used to look after trotters and pacers while they were resting. Our family even had a share in one horse, it was known as Satinover. Seventh biggest winning streak in history for Australian and New Zealand horses. He was the most beautiful horse I ever spoke to, so black, so big. I loved the way these horses craved attention, they were so friendly and so gentle. Horses are just like people, would you like to be whipped? Hang on, maybe you do... | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| I'm sorry Kendal, I just don't have any sympathy for you. Making the same mistakes over and over again. Breaking promises to yourself, and bending your own boundaries.
Every time I talk to Kendal, or about her I feel like such a moralistic cunt, almost like a dad or some bullshit.
I really don't want to, and shouldn't have to be the one to continuously rescue you from these dick head guys that you keep hanging around. You shouldn't have to ring me up in tears, telling me to help you while one of your lovers is right next to you. That's their job. Especially when the guy next to you has flipped you out 3 times in the last week, and still you go back to him.
It just goes to show that as long as a guy is cute, they can do anything, and it's all ok. | | comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment |
| I think I should stay away from thinking about politics. It makes me depressed, angry and agitated. It makes me want to blow up Liberal member's offices. Yeah, that's right, you heard me ASIO.
Kim Beazley is possibly the worst opposition leader in history. There is a reason why you are in "OPPOSITION" Kim, and that's to bloody well provide an alternative, to criticise, not to become a Liberal party member on the Labor party front bench. Seriously, if his father hadn't been a Labor man, there is no way he would be in the party. He doesn't stand for anything, and at heart he seems to be a a small L Liberal. There will be only two reasons for Labor to win the next election, IR reform and anti-rights legislation. One of them Beazley wants to see go through. It is legislation that can see you locked up for writing articles of political dissent such as on here, or even for writing music which is seen as inciting rebellion. For a generation that removed censorship, gained personal freedoms and personal rights, they are doing a wonderful job of reinstating the laws for which that same generation campaigned to abolish. So to me, the "children of the revolution" are indeed revolting. Bravo Kim, bra the fuck vo.
I hated Latham, he was a brute, a thug. But unlike Kim, he actually stood for things. Anyone that has ever read Latham's academic articles would realise he is a sociological genius, but he was unable to articulate himself so verbally. Both of these men blur the lines of the genre boundary between intellect and absolute fucking moron. "We had no choice with Tampa". Ahhhh, bullshit. As Sam Gowagatti explained to me, they may have lost but at least they would have retained the high ground. There is no left in Australia, well there is. Admittedly I am Labor left, but there isn't such a thing, the Greens are the only moderate left party in Australia.
I think people, and particularly ALP members need to re-learn the history of the world Labour movement. From it's origins in The First International, it's subsequent demise through Bakunist thought, and the building of Labour parties. The Eureka Stockade proved that you don't win anything by resigning to unjust laws. Soon we'll have Kim campaigning for more money in private schools, we all know they need that. And how about this Gem:
People too scared to go to prison
We're unable to make decisions
Political party line don't cross that floor
Thanks Peter. And the green left weekly take:
US Forces give the nod,
it's a setback for your country
US Forces let them in,
it'll be good for the country
Bombs and trenches all in rows,
bombs and threats still ask for more
Pine Gap will stay open,
I'll be there asking for more
Divided world the CIA,
who controls the issue
Divided world the Latham way,
I'll confuse the issue
You leave us with no time to talk,
you can write your assessment
It'll leave me with more time to talk,
I'll re-write my own assessment
Sing me songs of no denying,
seems to me too many trying
Sing me songs I've been denying,
Seems to me you've all been trying
Waiting for the next big thing
Waiting for my next big move
Will you know it when you see it,
high risk children dogs of war
Well you'll know it when you see it,
high-risk career move, dodge the war
Now market movements call the shots,
business deals in parking lots
Now market movements call my shots,
I'll make deals in parking lots
Waiting for the meat of tomorrow
Waiting for the seat of tomorrow
Everyone is too stoned to start emission
Everyone too stunned to start admitting
People too scared to go to prison
I'm no good in opposition
I won't have to make decisions
We're unable to make decision
Political party line don't cross that floor
Politicians' party line — I've crossed that floor
Lt. Ron Hubbard can't save your life
Speaking up now is not my life
Superboy takes a plutonium wife
Latham takes an ex-greenie wife
In the shadow of Ban The Bomb we live
Out of the shadow of “Ban the Bomb” I've moved
We spread peace freedom and democracy, shut the gates to refugees, deport our own kind, yet spread our legs for money. Australia is a slut.
And how about Russia. They are going great guns since freedom broke out there. The collapse of communism was the worst thing that has happened in world politics in the last 150 years. It wasn't nice, but it provided moderation to counter authoritarian capitalism. Now it's the wave of the future, China has showed us that, we are close behind. But I guess it's OK if ex KGB officers run extortion rackets, rigging elections, stealing property. If you want self rule, democracy, autonomy, fuck that, you Chechyan terrorist!
It turns out Howard has known that Hicks was arrested trying to DESERT the Taliban as far back as 2002. Another set of lies. But it's ok, I have a dossier you see. It says that Howard rapes little boys, enjoys wetsuits, gerbils and bathfuls of custard, it must be true. Sex sex sex sex sex sex it up. And all this while when Hicks is locked up for trying to be on the right side, I am thinking locked locked locked locked ward.
How can there be anyone looking out for people like that?
You wont see anything like this again. Sorry about that.
And I hope you're not beaten yet. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
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